Nice Rastafarian Hat

There’s a point when in life when you become unable to discern what’s cool based off of relevant social commentary or irony. I for one and friends of mine used to take pride in our ability to be offbeat yet relevant. You start to wonder when you’re going to be that old  guy at a concert singing along with every word of the opening band who reunited for a tour with Obscure Rock Band Blustering Under the Radar while everyone under 21 is scoffing at you. I think the day you really start to stop worrying, all the while still letting in linger in the back of your head, is the day when your worst fears come true. You are that older guy who looks out of place that ducks out before the closing band finishes their encore. But like I said I couldn’t care less. I have more important things to worry about than what some kid with a shitty haircut thinks about me. I don’t need anyone to think I’m cool. I have bigger problems. Receding hairline, that paunch forming over my the waistband of my pants, considering beginning the regulation of my fiber intake, deadlines at work and a wife who I am always one thoughtless gesture away from perturbing. Besides, in the long run my friends and acquaintances who have already fallen off the train still think I’m novel…I hope at least…not that I care or anything.

"I saw tail lights last night in a dream about my whole life"

maybe i forgot who i am. or maybe who i am changed. its hard to say. but one thing is for sure I don't feel the same. Is it due to ignoring the more introspective side of myself? Or maybe its not there anymore.
So what’s on the surface? It was simple question posed by a friend. I suppose I do look tired. Maybe I am a little depressed and I don’t even know it. I know more than anything else I’m scared. But I think somewhere in my head I know that everything will be okay. Why? Because it always turns okay. As long as I have my health, a few means for happiness and other things I’m sure I’m taking for granted and wouldn’t know how absolutely essential they were until they were gone, I’ll truly be fine. So why am I scared? Big new things loom around the corner. Any time there is change, something new that holds great importance, I think its fine to be scared.

So along with those things. I’m so hopeful that this marriage is everything it should be. Is it wrong to want perfect? I’m so convinced that nothing can ever be perfect. But still there’s no harm in wishing for it anyway. I think I have it pretty well figured out to be a great husband I first have to be a great person. So I’m working on that. I spent my whole life knowing, not just merely thinking mind you, that I would never be destined to be great. But now it looks like I have no choice but to be something great. The only time I ever had an inkling of what it could be like to be someone of consequence was upon leaving a movie theatre after seeing the main character of a movie do something remarkable. For a few glimmering seconds I would find something within myself that yearned to be great, but I suppose when I couldn’t figure out how to be, couldn’t see it or my attention switched to something else those exuberantly hopeful feelings disappeared. But I digress. Kate is someone who so many people seem to depend on. I don’t think I’ve ever been a dependable person or anyone who had to be some form of beacon of support and stabilization. How can I be the person to support the person everyone else depends on? I guess I’m going to have to figure it out.

So I want to close with this. Some kind of bright outlook for the future. Its hard to see change when you’re extremely upclose to it. By this token is hard to see change in close friends and family. I suppose it would be even harder to see change in yourself, being at ground zero. So maybe I am someone to be adored or admired, likewise as everyone seems to adore and admire my wife. God I hope so.